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Dealing with Dads


One of the trickiest aspects of being a step-ad is that, unless your partner is a widow or has absolutely no contact with her ex-, you are automatically locked in a relationship with her ex. And, given that your partner left him for a reason, chances are he’s a jerk.

I’m lucky enough to have not one but two dads to contend with, and as it happens, they’re both jerks. One’s a recovering (we hope!) drug addict, the other an insensitive boor with a history of violence. Both have had a hard time taking to the new state of their kids’ household — one I’ve never even spoken with, though I see him just about every week when we drop off his son (the 5-year old). I understand their position — I get to spend far more time with their children than they do and that has to gall (though I’m not very sympathetic — they’ve both made bad life choices which are directly responsible for any lack of time with their kids they may be experiencing).

Although I know for a fact that both of them go out of their way to belittle and undermine me (”My dad says you’re a bad guy,” says the little one almost every time he comes home from dad’s), I’ve tried to keep myself out of their relationships as much as possible. I think that, as much as possible, the kids should be allowed to develop and enjoy strong relationships with their dads.

Here are some general rules to help keep things as clear as possible:

  • Discourage the kids from calling you “dad”. We’re on a first-name basis here. Sometimes the kids slip up, the older ones because it’s habit, the younger because he’s still learning basic command of language (sometimes he calls me “mom”, too). The 12-year old, who is having a real hard time with his father right now, recently told me that I’m more of a dad to him than his own dad; my reply was that while I try to do the right things, he had to remember that his father is still his dad. Meanwhile, one of the reasons his father and him are fighting is that he calls me his “step-dad”, so sometimes you just can’t win.
  • Don’t second-guess their father. If you and your partner have made decisions about the children that fly in the face of the father’s wishes, let her be the one to explain it, not you. The last thing you want is to hang your relationship with your step-kids on opposition to their father, who they love and even worship. At best it will just confuse them, at worst they’ll side with dad and actively oppose you. What won’t happen is that they’ll side with you (unless their father is a very bad man and they’re old enough to understand that).
  • Don’t badmouth their father. Oh boy, is this a hard one! Especially since he will badmouth you, unless he’s a really, really great guy. You have to take the high road — first of all because you’re trying to set an example and if their dad can’t be a mensch you have to step up. Second of all because sooner or later anything you say will make its way back to dad and then all hell will break loose. And third of all because this is their dad you’re talking smack about, and they’ll defend him — maybe not to your face, but in their hearts. And that will make it all the harder for you to sort out your own relationship with the kids.
  • Keep it casual and cordial. If you can’t stand the guy, just don’t talk to him, but if at all possible, treat this relationship exactly as you would with a stranger you have to share time with, say on line at the bank. Sport scores, the weather, general chit-chat, and then he’s gone. You won’t be friends, but you don’t have to be enemies if you can help it.
  • Support mom. Your partner is required by law to maintain a relationship with a man she probably hates. This can take a lot out of a person. Be a little more than your usual great self when she’s wrapped up in dealing with him. Even though you’d handle things differently, defer to her judgment about how to handle visitation times, late child support payments, decisions about school or other activities, etc. Of course, be honest about how you see things, and offer advice when needed, but when it comes time to make a decision, give her the final word and support her to the extend of your abilities.

You’ll do all this and still things will suck. But at least they won’t suck any more than they have to — you’ll be along for the ride instead of contributing to even worse problems. The most important thing is to avoid setting up a rivalry in your kids minds between you and their dad; as much as possible, keep these relationships in completely different “silos”. If they’re having trouble with their dad, be there for them, agree politely, chastise them when they go too far, but don’t get yourself in the middle of it — sooner or later, they’ll patch things up and then you’ll be the odd man out.

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3 Responses to “Dealing with Dads”

  1. David Says:
    October 20th, 2007 at 5:04 am

    Great tips.

    I have a “Step-son” - I met him (and his mother - grin) when he was two - he has never met his biological father, but I have never bad-mouthed him (even when my Step-son does), and have let my wife make all decisions when it came to dealing with him (when to let him know that we were getting married, what to do when child support never came (for years), etc, etc, etc…

    It helps that I have never met him, nor does he have any contact with his son or us..

    His parents (biological grandparents) on the other hand are pretty nice folks. We have exchanged photos and letters over the years, and although sporadic, they have some involvement with their grandchild. They have even sent me “thank you” letters over the years on my birthday or father’s day!

    They (both biological dad and grandparents) live over 1000 miles away. That too makes a difference…

    But, I can tell you from first hand experience (as an employee of a police department) how horrible it is when “machismo” gets in the way and how the kids truly are the ones to suffer..

    Your “take the high road” suggestion will take you far! Don’t sweat the “short term” results, and keep you “eye on the (long term) prize”.

    Oh, yeah.. And if you have not yet - don’t be surprised or even hurt when the “Your not my REAL dad” comments fly. A day later (when you are doing what “real dads” do) they wont even remember making that statement.

    Great Blog!!!

  2. dustin Says:
    October 20th, 2007 at 6:58 am

    Thanks for the long comment, David. I have to admit that this advice, which seems pretty simple, isn’t always easy to follow, and I’ve fallen off the trail a couple of times. It is, as you say, the “high road” but it takes a lot of discipline to stay on it. I appreciate you talking about your experiences here — and I hope that your example, and mine, will encourage others to do the same, because while it’s really easy to find men who are step-fathering children, it’s really hard to find people who actually talk about their experiences!

    For the record, I’ve already had the “you’re not my dad” experience — once, and it faded almost as quickly as it was spoken. That was right after I moved in, and when I first started to take an active role in the household, and it was probably not without merit, but I expect it will happen again as the kids get into their teen years and start trying to impose their wills more. I’m ready, I think.

  3. Emmett Says:
    October 23rd, 2007 at 8:32 pm

    Very touching story. Thank you for the tips. You are helping many.

    Emmett, Visionary Step Dad
    http://www.stepdadsecrets.com
    http://www.stepdads101.com

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